grace

New Creation

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Written by Charles Barnes

Both Isaiah (Is 65:17) and John (Rev 21:1) reveal that God will create a new heaven and a new earth. Jesus Himself, through His resurrection, is the first evidence of this new creation. But Scripture reveals that as God prepared the garden for Adam and Eve, so the new heaven and earth will be prepared for Christ’s bride, and He is at work now forming that bride after the pattern of Jesus, the second Adam.  Jesus has been at work throughout the history of Idaho Falls drawing men and women to Himself, giving them new life, forming them into His bride.

That new creation is born of His Spirit and not always clearly evident.  But like seeing the effects of the wind, we can observe over time changes in lives and effects of the new birth.  We can only guess how many men and women and children in Eagle Rock and Idaho Falls have become living stones in the spiritual house that Jesus is building.  And at any moment we choose to observe, we are seeing a work in progress; He is not done shaping and refining those stones He has chosen.  In the book that Todd and I are writing, one section will contain stories of Jesus’ work of new creation.

Rob & Vicki Callantine

This following story is—very appropriately—mostly about two lives and a marriage.  People can get very messed up, both through situations that they have no control over – like families they’re born into – and through their own decisions, some made as responses to the pain of those hard and hurtful situations.  As the Spirit brooded over the “formless and void” earth, Jesus is still creating order from empty and wasted lives.  And as Jesus humbled Himself and became obedient to the cross, so He can come to us in our pain, offering and giving us His love, His resurrection life, and the great value of being included in His family.

Rob Callantine was born and raised in Pocatello.  When he was only 7 months old, Rob’s 17-year old mother, his maternal grandparents and an uncle all died in a car accident.  His father survived the accident, but was in a coma for 5 days and in the hospital for 6 months.  Being in the Navy, his father couldn’t take care of Rob.  So he was shuffled between relatives for the next 14 years, never feeling like he belonged. Looking back on his childhood, Rob can see that he was unable to form appropriate social relationships or to give and receive love.  During his childhood he was both a victim of abuse and an abuser himself.  At age 15 he moved in with his dad, who was then a truck driver and rarely at home, and not a good model for Rob because of his drinking and cocaine use.

In his high school years, having little supervision, Rob drank, smoked marijuana, tried meth and dropped out of school.  His promiscuity resulted in a son, and he moved in with his girlfriend.  But after a couple years, his girlfriend moved out, taking his son.  That left Rob depressed and he got heavily into using methamphetamines.  About this time his father moved in with him and the two of them began dealing drugs.  His depression worsened, but until his money ran out, he was almost always high.  Then he became homeless too.  When another girlfriend offered to help get Rob into rehab, he realized he didn’t have any better options.

Vicki was born and raised in Ucon.  Her family was one of only a few non-LDS in the community, but since both her parents worked, she had LDS babysitters and from them learned many LDS songs.  When she was in the 4th grade, her parents got divorced.  Following her mother’s remarriage, Vicki was sexually abused by a relative for several years.  What little faith in God she had gleaned from her childhood was destroyed, and she considered herself an atheist.

In high school Vicki’s grades went from straight A’s to D’s as she got into smoking pot and drinking.  After graduating from high school, a boyfriend proposed “twice” and Vicki refused twice, but then accepted.  They were married in August of 1987, and seventeen months later moved to Guam.  While there she gave birth to a daughter.  However her marriage was not good, as her husband was unfaithful to her and had a drinking problem.

Vicki started attending the University of Guam, and then came back to the States to attend the University of Montana in Missoula.  In a few weeks she came down with a severe case of chicken pox and also discovered she was pregnant.  Her husband was not happy about the pregnancy and pressured her to abort the baby, which she did. He then left her for another woman.

Vicki had started on a quest to discover who God is while in Guam, but was resistant when some Christians, whom they shared their living quarters with, shared the gospel with her.  In Missoula she continued questioning and praying.  In 1995 she dropped out of college and moved back to Idaho Falls.  Here she had 8 or 9 visits from LDS missionaries, but when she went to an LDS service and saw that men and women were segregated, she wanted nothing more to do with Mormonism.  Later when she became sexually involved with a guy who was young in his Christian faith and laid heavy blame on her for their affair, Vicki was turned off to Christianity too.

In 1999, she got a job at a Maverik Store in Idaho Falls.  Her supervisor was Rob.  After going through rehab and spending a couple months in a halfway house in Tucson, Rob had come back to Blackfoot and was living at his girlfriend’s parents’ house.  Rob was serious about this girl and had proposed marriage to her; she was also working at the same Maverik store.  But he hadn’t gotten clean; he and his girlfriend were smoking pot together.  Nor was he faithful to her, as he had an affair with Vicki, and she became pregnant.

As Christmas of 2001 approached, Vicki took on a second job, working 80 hours per week.  Knowing she needed to stay awake for long periods she went to Rob for drugs, and they began using them together. For Vicki, life got weird very fast.  Rob’s relationship with his girlfriend ended, he moved in with Vicki, and the following July they got married. Things were cool when they were high together, but in between Rob was violent and abusive.

For days at a time, Rob and Vicki would lock themselves in their bedroom, turning on the television to provide background noise to hide what they were doing from the kids.  As they got high, they would often listen to Rick Brown on TV, preaching from the Bible.  By New Year’s Day, 2005, they were ready to get off drugs and get their lives together.  But for Rob it lasted less than two weeks.  Vicki went 55 days without using drugs, but when she heard her ex-husband had committed suicide, she again used the excuse that she needed to stay awake during the drive to his funeral in Denver.

A few months later, Vicki’s mother, who knew about her drug abuse, made Vicki an offer to come live at her house.  Vicki thought about it for a couple days, got high one last time, and after verbally pushing Rob to violence, took the girls and left him.  After staying a week and a half at her mother’s, she went to the Haven Shelter. While at the Haven, divorce papers were prepared, but Vicki decided to wait to turn them in.  Rob went to live with his dad in Pocatello, but that environment was so saturated with using and dealing meth, he didn’t stay long, as he knew that to get his wife and family back, he would need to get off and stay off of drugs.

So in early 2007 Rob came back to Idaho Falls, staying in a motel for a few days and then at the City of Refuge. There he met a man who talked about Jesus as if he knew Him personally, and that impressed Rob.  Calvary Chapel was teaching their Pure Word classes at the City of Refuge on Monday nights, and Rob went.  The leader of the class took Rob out for coffee two weeks in a row, and the last week Rob was at the City of Refuge, he stayed off drugs.

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Using some tax refund money, Rob got an apartment and celebrated by getting high.  After the first night in the apartment, he realized he still wasn’t clean, and wouldn’t get his family back.  Rob got so low that he decided to buy a cheap gun and end his life, but in despair he cried out to God, “If there’s any way You want anything to do with a piece of trash like me, now’s Your chance.  But You better do it now as I have no more hope.”

Jesus took him up on the challenge, with some very clear, specific instructions:

“Stand up!” Rob did.

“Go in the kitchen!” Rod did.

“Throw your drugs in the trash!”  For the first time, Rob understood that his drugs were trash.

“Go back into the living room.  I have always loved you; you have always been one of my children.”  Never had Rob felt such acceptance.

“This pain and destruction you’ve been causing was never My plan for you.  I sent My Son to die for you.  If you will give Me your life, I will blow your mind.”

To Rob at this point, giving God his life was a no-brainer, and the moment he did, he was overwhelmed by God’s love, and by a sense of being cleansed.  He remembers, “I felt like I was underneath a waterfall; I felt crushed and cleansed under the weight of God’s love.  I broke down in uncontrollable sobbing.”  Rob finally fell asleep, and when he woke up, he relates that life had color and warmth that it hadn’t had before, and that he was filled with hope and confidence that he could do the right thing.  Rob was born again.

Calvary Chapel was holding their Easter Service in the Civic Auditorium that year, and Vicki agreed to meet Rob there for the service.  Vicki had been attending Calvary Chapel for several months.  But as Rob tried to explain to her what had happened to him, she thought, “Rob got high and he’s crazy”, and refused to take him seriously for nine months.

Rob was soaking up all he could find about this new relationship with Christ, asking questions at Pure Word classes, reading books recommended by a Calvary Chapel pastor, and living at Calvary Chapel’s halfway house.  He got a job working for one of the leaders of Pure Word that gave him more opportunities to ask questions.  At first he found verses in the Bible he just had to share with Vicki, but he learned quickly he needed to patiently give her time.  Yet Rob still had a deep sense of loneliness and a longing to be back with his family. Vicki had been going to counseling, but wasn’t showing signs of coming back.  So Rob was brought to another place of surrender to God’s will, allowing God to do whatever He wanted with Vicki and their marriage.

A week later she called and told him, “I think I’m ready.”

Rob saved up his money, found a house to rent, moved into the house in March, 2008 and Vicki and the girls joined him the following month. When Calvary Chapel had their annual baptism at the river the following August the whole family got baptized, declaring their faith in Christ and their new life through His death and resurrection.

Both Rob and Vicki now work with the Idaho Falls Rescue Mission.  Rob started in May, 2012 at the Ark, and later served as supervisor of FAITH Housing. He is now lead supervisor of the City of Refuge men’s shelter.  When Vicki was asked to be a case manager at the Ruth House in April, 2014, she wasn’t sure she was ready for the responsibility, but she was willing.  A couple months later she was handed the position of supervisor of the Ruth House, which she’s been doing with the Lord’s help – since.

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Jesus takes the dust of the earth—lives that have been hurt, broken, destroyed—and breathes His new life into them.  That’s what Rob and Vicki know from experience and what empowers them daily as they work with people at the Ruth House and Ark and City of Refuge. His ways are not always obvious.  Was it Jesus who held Vicki back from turning in the papers to divorce Rob, and gave Rob the persistence to pursue his marriage after Vicki walked out on him?  How many people did He send to each of them as a witness of His grace and healing love? Jesus not only gives new life, and brings people out of what destroys life, but He also restores relationships—such as Rob and Vicki’s marriage—and invites us to share in His work of inviting people into His family and building the house of living stones in which He Himself dwells.

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Erik Strom and General Butt Naked

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Erik Strom in Idaho Falls writes this week:

I just returned from a two week stay in Liberia, Africa. The mission is one of long term but consists of brief stays in the country working with ex-child combatants used in the civil wars ending in 2003.  The main focus is introducing them to the saving grace of Jesus, getting them off drugs, and educating and training them to contribute to their society.  Journeys Against Violence (JAV) is a project ministry under End Time Train Evangelistic Ministries of Joshua Milton Blahyi, the former warlord General Butt Naked.  His story of redemption is truly shocking and amazing.  His primary focus is reconciliation for his country, the ex-child soldiers and the continent.  This is to be accomplished by housing the young men for rehab close to the capitol city of Monrovia.  If they wish to enter the project, they may be moved to the project farm of 1000 acres, currently the largest in the country.  Ultimately the young men will run mission businesses that will benefit themselves, their families, and their country.  The project has been under way for approximately a year.  Land is deeded and housing is being built.  I stayed at the farm, a 14 hour drive from the nearest paved road deep in the bush.  Our secondary focus for this mission is bringing a “bridge” education where there is no government education available or affordable.  We are working on video recording indigenous teachers to bank for distribution, using churches during the day for schools, where schools are unavailable currently.  This is a temporary measure until the government can rebuild and fund schools.  This mission is large in scope and life changing in nature for all involved.  Jesus is adequate in every circumstance.  It is all and only for His Glory.  Those wishing to get involved personally or prayerfully may contact me at stroerik@gmail.com.  Matthew 25:40

Book:  The Redemption of an African Warlord

Movie: The Redemption of General Butt Naked

Youtube:  The Unforgiven

Conflict and Gospel Grace Reconciliation (4)

Let’s say that you have a conflict with a family member, a coworker, or another Christian in Idaho Falls that is not being fixed between the two of you.  You have talked to this person but issues have not been resolved.  And if you feel compelled that you are unable to let go of the issue, what would Jesus instruct you to do?

Jesus tells us in Matthew 18:15-19:

“Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone.  If he hears you, you have gained your brother.  But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’  And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church.  But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.   Assuredly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.  Again I say to you that if two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven.  For where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them.”

Today, we are looking at our fourth message in this series on conflict and gospel grace reconciliation.  With today’s content, I am utilizing thoughts from Ken Sande in Billings, Montana, who leads a ministry focused on Christian peacemaking.  The Scripture references are taken from the New King James Version of the Bible.

Step Four

So what is step four in the process of pursuing reconciliation in the midst of conflict?  You should pray about bringing one or two others to hear the conflict between you and that other person.

“We should try to keep the circle of people involved in conflict as small as possible for as long as possible.” – Sande

“I implore Euodia and I implore Syntyche to be of the same mind in the Lord.  And I urge you also, true companion, help these women who labored with me in the gospel, with Clement also, and the rest of my fellow workers, whose names are in the Book of Life.” (Philippians 4:2-3)

“Dare any of you, having a matter against another, go to law before the unrighteous, and not before the saints?  Do you not know that the saints will judge the world?  And if the world will be judged by you, are you unworthy to judge the smallest matter?  Do you not know that we shall judge angels?  How much more, things that pertain to this life?  If then you have judgments concerning things pertaining to this life, do you appoint those who are least esteemed by the church to judge?  I say this to your shame.  Is it so, that there is not a wise man among you, not even one, who will be able to judge between his brethren?  But brother goes to law against brother, and that before unbelievers!  Now therefore, it is already an utter failure for you that you go to law against one another.  Why do you not rather accept wrong?  Why do you not rather let yourselves be cheated?  No, you yourselves do wrong and cheat, and you do these things to your brethren!” (I Corinthians 6:1-8)

Ken Sande provides a sample illustration of how to engage in initiating help from someone else in the conflict:  “Bob, I would prefer to resolve this matter just between the two of us.  Since that has not happened and because this involves issues that are too important to walk away from, my only other option is to obey what the Bible commands, which means asking some people from our churches to help us out.  I would prefer that we go together to get that help, but if you will not cooperate, I’ll ask for it by myself.”

It is in this conflict, two men can seek the help of a godly peacemaker, whether that might be another friend, neighbor, church member, or pastor.  Sometimes, this can extend out to continual sessions for counsel and prayer together.  The additional one or two also serve as witnesses to what they observe.  So what if there is no repentance?  What if there is no demonstration made to pursue God’s will and peace?  What if there is no display of humility in the issues of conflict?

Step Five

“And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church.  But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.”

Share the conflict with the spiritual elders in your church.  The elders would desire to meet with those of you in conflict.  The elders might desire to consult as well with the one or two others that have met with you in the conflict.   You should listen to the counsel of the elders.

“Obey those who rule over you, and be submissive, for they watch out for your souls, as those who must give account.  Let them do so with joy and not with grief, for that would be unprofitable for you” (Hebrews 13:17).

The only times that you may disobey the elders is if they are clearly asking you to disobey Scripture.  For instance, Acts 4 states, “So they called them and commanded them not to speak at all nor teach in the name of Jesus.  But Peter and John answered and said to them, ‘Whether it is right in the sight of God, you judge.  For we cannot but speak the things which we have seen and heard’” (Acts 4:18-20). Peter and the other apostles declare in Acts 5:29, “We ought to obey God rather than men.”

But going back to the elders’ instruction and counsel, if the elders witness unrepentance in regards to sin, this must be lovingly shared to the members of the congregation.  And the whole congregation must move together in church discipline towards an unrepentant member of the congregation.

Only God knows the true hearts of individuals, but a congregation must not allow one to continue as a member of the local fellowship when that individual is teaching contrary or living a contrast to the life and gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ.

So what would be examples of this in the Bible?

“Now I urge you, brethren, note those who cause divisions and offenses, contrary to the doctrine which you learned, and avoid them.  For those who are such do not serve our Lord Jesus Christ, but their own belly, and by smooth words and flattering speech deceive the hearts of the simple” (Romans 16:17-18).

 “It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and such sexual immorality as is not even named among the Gentiles—that a man has his father’s wife!  And you are puffed up, and have not rather mourned, that he who has done this deed, might be taken away from you.  For I indeed, as absent in body but present in spirit, have already judged (as though I were present) him who has so done this deed.  In the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, when you are gathered together, along with my spirit, with the power of our Lord Jesus Christ, deliver such a one to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus.  Your glorying is not good.  Do you not know that a little leaven leavens the whole lump?  Therefore purge out the old leaven, that you may be a new lump, since you truly are unleavened.  For indeed Christ, our Passover, was sacrificed for us.  Therefore let us keep the feast, not with old leaven, nor with the leaven of malice and wickedness, but with the unleavened bread of sincerity and truth.  I wrote to you in my epistle not keep company with sexually immoral people.  Yet I certainly did not mean with the sexually immoral people of this world, or with the covetous, or extortioners, or idolaters, since then you would need to go out of the world.  But now I have written to you not to keep company with anyone named a brother, who is sexually immoral, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or an extortioner—not even to eat with such a person.  For what have I do to with judging those also who are outside?  Do you not judge those who are inside?  But those who are outside God judges.  Therefore put away from yourselves the evil person” (I Corinthians 5).

“I marvel that you are turning away so soon from Him who called you in the grace of Christ, to a different gospel, which is not another; but there are some who trouble you and want to pervert the gospel of Christ.  But even if we, or an angel from heaven, preach any other gospel to you, let him be accursed.  As we have said before, so now I say again, if anyone preaches any other gospel to you than what you have received, let him be accursed” (Galatians 1:6-9).

“But we command you, brethren, in the name of Lord Jesus Christ, that you withdraw from every brother who walks disorderly and not according to the tradition which he received from us.” (II Thessalonians 3:6)

“Do not receive an accusation against an elder except from two or three witnesses.  Those who are sinning rebuke in the presence of all, that the rest also may fear” (I Timothy 5:19-20).

 “But avoid foolish disputes, genealogies, contentions, and strivings about the law; for they are unprofitable and useless.  Reject a divisive man after the first and second admonition, knowing that such a person is warped and sinning, being self-condemned” (Titus 3:9-11).

In these passages, we have examples of those attacking essential doctrines of Christianity or living in notorious immorality.  When a church member is blatantly teaching that which is contrary to Scripture or living an ongoing, unrepentant life of sin, the local assembly is to move congregationally (a church vote) in removing the sinning person’s membership.

Is this loving?  Deitrich Bonhoeffer writes, “Nothing is so cruel as the tenderness that consigns another to his sin.  Nothing can be more compassionate than the severe rebuke that calls a brother back from the path of sin.”

Three concluding notes of caution:

  • Some in the practice of church discipline will wrongly call people (divisive) heretics and practice church discipline. Wrong application.
  • Some in the practicing of discipline will completely cut themselves off from those they have disciplined. They think only law and never offer gracious gospel to the one they disciplined.  This is a mistake.  Wrong heart motives.  We are to continue a loving, evangelical witness.
  • Some practice second, third, fourth degrees, etc. of separation. Their thinking is “I have separated myself from this person and so must you to the same degree.  If you don’t follow my example, then I will separate from you.” Wrong zeal.

In following these paths, we quickly lose the main purpose of love and gospel grace reconciliation.  We have become the Pharisees, and we place ourselves on a pathway of bitterness.

We must have hearts that pursue love, grace, peace, and forgiveness.

Ken Sande says forgiveness can be expressed with four promises: (1) I will not dwell on this incident. (2) I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you. (3) I will not talk to others about this incident. (4) I will not let this incident stand between us or hinder our personal relationship.

“Here is the ultimate weapon:  deliberate, focused love (cf. Luke 6:27-28; I Cor. 13:4-7).” – Sande

 “Bless those you persecute you; bless and do not curse.  Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.  Be of the same mind toward one another.  Do not set your mind on high things, but associate with the humble.  Do not be wise in your own opinion.  Repay no one evil for evil.  Have regard for good things in the sight of all men.  Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, ‘Vengeance is Mine, I will repay, says the Lord.  Therefore ‘if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head.’  Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:14-21)

Peter says, “Finally, all of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous; not returning evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary blessing, knowing that you were called to this, that you may inherit a blessing” (I Peter 3:8-9).

Conflict and Gospel Grace Reconciliation (3)

Introduction:  Two brothers had two different personalities and goal.  The one brother talked to his dad.  The other brother talked to his mom.  This eventually caused the younger brother and his mother to scheme against the wishes of the father and the older brother.   The conflict brought a huge upheaval that eventually resulted in the formation of two separate nations.  Family conflict occurs in page after page of the book of Genesis.  And yet through the generational stories, gospel grace reconciliation trumps it all at the end of Genesis.  When we open up the book of Exodus, we read story after story of new conflict among the Hebrew people.  The Bible is the book that we must go to in giving us the guidance we need to deal with conflict.  We are in a Sunday morning series dealing with conflict and gospel grace reconciliation.  Today, we look at step three.   In review, step one calls us to overlook transgressions by others as the Lord does with us.  Step two urges us to search our own hearts and see how we might have contributed to the conflict.  Step three involves going to your brother or sister to talk about the conflict.  In this message, I am utilizing thoughts from brother Ken Sande in Billings, Montana.  Also, I am using the New King James Version of the Bible.

Step Three – Jesus tells us, “Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone.  If he hears you, you have gained your brother.” – Matthew 18:15

Elsewhere Jesus says, “Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way.  First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” – Matthew 5:23-24

So if you have a problem with your brother or you know that your brother has a problem with you then you need to get together and prayerfully seek God’s reconciliation in your relationship.

Before you decide to talk to your brother or sister?  Ask yourself these questions:

Is it dishonoring to God?  Is it damaging your relationship?  Is it hurting others?

“A little leaven leavens the whole lump.” – Galatians 5:9

Is it hurting the offender?

“You shall not hate your brother in your heart.  You shall surely rebuke your neighbor, and not bear sin because of him.” – Leviticus 19:17

“Deliver those who are drawn toward death, and hold back those stumbling to the slaughter.  If you say, ‘Surely we did not know this,’ does not He who weighs the hearts consider it?  He who keeps your soul, does He not know it?  And will He not render to each man according to his deeds?” – Proverbs 24:11-12

“Open rebuke is better than love carefully concealed.  Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.” – Proverbs 27:5-6; 9:8; 19:25; 28:23

“Brethren, if anyone among you wanders from the truth, and someone turns him back, let him know that he who turns a sinner from the error of his way will save a soul from death and cover a multitude of sins.” – James 5:19-20

“Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted.” – Galatians 6:1

The Greek word for restore is katartizo – to mend, to repair, to equip, to complete, to prepare.

You should be going to your brother for gentle restoration.  This is ongoing, loving, continual action for gospel grace reconciliation.  Be going to your brother as many times as the Holy Spirit does in communicating with you over issues in your own life.

“The Greek verb used for “go” in Matthew 18:15 implies a continual action.  If you don’t succeed at first, try to discern what went wrong, seek appropriate counsel, and correct your mistakes.  Give the other person time to think (and give God time to work), and then go again.  You should continue seeking to resolve the matter privately until it becomes apparent that further personal conversations are truly pointless or are likely to do harm.  At that point you should consider whether it would be wiser to overlook the matter entirely.  If doing so is inappropriate, you will need to seek help from others, leading to step four.” – Sande

So how do you prepare for such an encounter?

  1. First, you need to prepare your own heart. If you desire to promote peace, you will not rip into your brother but be humble and transparent before him about your own shortcomings.

Do you need to confess any of your sins as you talk with that other person?

Here are some example scenarios:

“Bill, I appreciate your forgiveness, and I will really work at controlling what I say in the future.  In fact, I’d appreciate it if you would let me know if you ever hear me talking like that again.  In the same way, I believe there are some things you could do differently in the future that might help to avoid similar problems.  May I explain what I mean?”

“Linda, there’s no question that my careless words contributed to this problem, and I am really sorry for aggravating you.  At the same time, I’m not sure you realize who you contributed to this problem.  As much as I would like to drop the matter, I’m afraid we’ll have similar problems again unless we get all of our concerns on the table.  May I explain how I see your conduct in this matter?”

  1. Prayerfully plan your interaction with that other brother or sister with these suggested guidelines.

Give the hope of the gospel.

“When someone has disappointed or offended me, my natural tendency is to come at them with “the law,” lecturing them about what they have done wrong and what they should now do to make things right.  This approach generally makes people defensive and reluctant to admit their wrongs, which makes a conflict worse.  The Lord is graciously working to teach me a better way to approach others about their failures.  Instead of coming at them with the law, I am learning to bring them the gospel.” – Sande

Look at what God has to say to the most schismatic church in the New Testament.

 “To the church of God which is at Corinth, to those who are sanctified in Christ Jesus, called to be saints, with all who in every place call on the name of Jesus Christ our Lord, both theirs and ours:  Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.  I thank my God always concerning you for the grace of God which was given to you by Christ Jesus, that you were enriched in everything by Him in all utterance and all knowledge, even as the testimony of Christ was confirmed in you, so that you come short in no gift, eagerly waiting for the revelation of our Lord Jesus Christ, who will also confirm you to the end, that you may be blameless in the day of our Lord Jesus Christ.  God is faithful, by whom you were called into the fellowship of His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.” – I Corinthians 1:2-9

Be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath

“So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” – James 1:19-20

God’s wrath is always perfect.  We have the perfect illustration of Jesus cleansing the temple.  Also, God’s wrath is a perfect demonstration of His righteousness in the book of Revelation.  But our wrath is usually 99.9 percent of the time not perfect when we are engaging with other adult brothers and sisters.  The meekest man on the face of the earth, Moses, did not exhibit properly a righteous wrath with the complaining, carnal children of Israel.  We must take note of this.  We must learn to listen in the heat of conflict.

“In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, but he who restrains his lips is wise.” – Proverbs 10:19

“A quick-tempered man acts foolishly” – Proverbs 14:17

“He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.” – Proverbs 16:32

“He who has knowledge spares his words, and a man of understanding is of a calm spirit.” – Proverbs 17:27

“He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him.” – Proverbs 18:13

“The heart of the righteous studies how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours forth evil.” – Proverbs 15:28.

Seek to agree

When in conflict with that family member, or friend on the job, or church member, is there anything that they are saying which you can agree with about yourself?

“Let the righteous strike me; it shall be a kindness. And let him rebuke me; it shall be as excellent oil; let my head not refuse it.” – Psalm 141:5a

“The ear that hears the rebukes of life will abide among the wise.  He who disdains instruction despises his own soul, but he who heeds rebuke gets understanding.  The fear of the LORD is the instruction of wisdom, and before honor is humility.” – Proverbs 15:31-33

“But, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head—Christ” – Ephesians 4:15

Use the Bible carefully 

This is critical.  Don’t use it to tear down a brother or sister.  Use the Scripture in proper context and to the proper situations.

Recognize your limits

“Finally, whenever you are trying to show someone his fault, remember that there are limits to what you can accomplish.  You can raise concerns, suggest solutions, and encourage reasonable thinking, but you cannot force change.  God may use you as a spokesperson to bring certain issues to the attention of another person, but only God can actually penetrate the other person’s heart and bring about repentance.  Paul clearly describes this division of labor in 2 Timothy 2:24-26: “And the Lord’s servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful.  Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will” (emphasis added).  As we have seen throughout this book, God calls us to be concerned with faithfulness, not with results.  If you prayerfully prepare, speak the truth in love, and do all you can to effectively communicate your concerns to the other person, you will have succeeded in God’s eyes regardless of how others respond (Acts 20:26-27).  God will take it from there—in his time your words will produce exactly the results he wants.” – Sande

Next week, we will conclude this Sunday morning series on conflict and gospel grace reconciliation by looking at step four (involving one or more witnesses) and step five (taking the conflict to the church).